Wall Street Protesters Can Go Home, The Economy Is Healed

Satire Post

Washington, D. C. October 10, 2011

Bolstered by the unusual approaches (public sex, public evacuation, fury at New York Rangers hockey team owners, etc.) taken by the Occupy Wall Street protesters, President Obama today veered into the bizarre himself.

At the presidential press conference today, President Obama and press secretary Jay Carney walked briskly into the room. Carney approached the podium. "The President," Carney said, "has directed me to announce to you today that he's initiating a bold new approach in dealing with the American economy. That economy is, as you know, sick. Deathly sick. The first step in the President's new strategy is the appointment of a new presidential advisor, televangelist Benny Hinn."

The Rev. Hinn strode confidently into the Press room, shook hands with Carney and the President, and took a bow. The well known televangelist, famous for his spectacular incidents of public healing, wore his trademark Jodhpuri suit with brass buttons. Carney explained to the assembled journalists that the President had been meeting secretly with Hinn since the budget showdown with Republicans in August. "When it comes to the economy," said Carney, "President Obama has been thinking outside the box. He has spent the last few weeks learning the intricacies of Spritual Healing from the world recognized master of this powerful force, Benny Hinn. Mr. Hinn has shown this force can be applied successfully to the human body. The president is prepared to take this procedure to the next level, Spiritual Healing of Abstract Economic Phenomena . Today, President Obama will heal our sick economy."

President Obama stepped to the podium and nodded to Hinn who clapped his hands. The large double doors at the rear of the room opened and a large Brahma Bull and a tall black bear were led into the room by handlers and bundlers. Both animals were clearly ill, the bear coughing uncontrollably and the bull emitting loud gaseous farts. The lights in the room dimmed except for a spot on the President and a second one on the two animals. Carney then explained that the two animals were really symbolic entities which the the president would use in the ritual. "These sick animals represent our economy. Let the healing begin," said Carney.

The president began by staring silently at the assembled press corps. He said nothing. After a few minutes, several Fox News reporters began fidgeting and murmuring to themselves. Then suddenly, Obama fell to his knees and his eyes rolled back into his head. The stunned media representatives looked on in amazement as his body shook uncontrollably. After a time he sprang to his feet and moved to the side of the podium, his back to the reporters. He suddenly turned and reached out with his right hand toward the animals in front of him.

Several reporters were visibly moved by the president's actions. Chris Matthews fainted and Brian Williams swooned. Katie Couric touched the corner of her mouth with a tissue to dab at a fleck of drool. New York Times' columnist Paul Krugman was focused intently on the president.

"I say heal," said the president in a booming voice. "HEAL! Let the evil capitalistic demons come out of you. Let taxes rise and our wealth be distributed equally. Let the prayers of those young warriors who now occupy the Street that shall not be named, let those prayers be answered. Give them what they want. Let it come without effort. Reward our union brethren with unlimited power and let them all become workers for the State. Let all minorities receive reparations for our past sins. I say HEAL!" The president leaped off of the low stage and slammed his palm against the heads of both animals in rapid succession. "HEAL!" he said.

The Bear collapsed to the floor in a furry heap and the big bull belched and farted before crapping a large, steaming pile on the red carpet.

Carney quickly distributed information sheets explaining that the animals' response, particularly the bull's, was a vital part of the "spiritual purging process."

Times columnist Krugman said later, "I felt the energy, the power myself. That's why you caught me coming out of the bathroom. I was one with those animals. I felt what they felt. And I responded the same way. What we witnessed today was the most moving moment in American History. I'm certain that the congress will now give the President another 4 trillion dollars of stimulus . And I'm certain that not only the US economy will recover, but also the world economy, once we have purged ourselves of free market capitalism and replaced it with a more efficient statist economy. And I say to those valiant protesters on Wall Street and around the country. You can go home, now. Victory is yours. The One has delivered."

UPDATE FROM BP comment: Shortly after the presidential press conference, GOP candidate Herman Cain called one of his own. He said, "the only symbolic entity in the press room this morning was that stinking pile of bullshit. And we all know what that stands for--every one of the president's failed economic policies."