Are You From Dixie?

It's gettin' harder and harder to tell which region of the country you're from. But there are still some useful methods of identifying those recognizable traits, especially when it comes to Southerners. Let's dispense with the usual suspects first. You know the ones I mean, the ones good ol' Jeff Foxworthy and others sometimes use. Like this one:

You might be from Dixie if your mama or daddy ever told you any of the following:

"That's not fit to eat."
"I'm feeling down in the back."
"He's on his third wife."
"You better get down off your high horse."
"Give me some sugar, baby."
"Pipe down."
"Go cut me a switch."
"You better hush crying or I'm gonna give you something to cry about."
"They're just sorry." [as in low class, trashy]

Or, there's this one:

How To Tell If You're A Democrat, A Republican or A Southerner.

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by
posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
.....
Now, I'm sure ya'll have heard those already. But there's a basic way to tell a Southerner from someone else. But it only works in summer.

He'll have telltale signs of underarm sweat on his shirt. I don't care if it's 8 a. m. There'll be sweat there. I don't care if he's a banker or a farmer. His underarms will be wet. It's hot in the South. Even in the morning's. And contrary to popular wisdom, our cars and trucks are air conditioned now, thank you. But you still got to walk across the parking lot and by the time you get to the front door you'll feel those little trickles of sweat under your shirt.

My banjo buddy Big Ed says that most Southerners know another one when they see one. And I know where Ed's coming from. He's coming from many years of study at Clawhammer State under Professor Grandpa Jones.