The Cumberland Post

The Cumberland Post
My Backyard, Six Miles from the Cumberland River

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Harassment Claim Made by 4th Woman: Kim Kardashian Said to be "Devastated" by Encounter with Cain


Now that the buzz is dying from her financially successful 72 day marriage and the ensuing divorce, celeb Kim Kardashian is speaking out about her "devastating" encounter with Republican presidential contender Herman Cain.

According to Ms. Kardashian's publicist, Ino Butz who phoned the Post about what he termed a dreadful situation, the voluptuous reality show personality was forced to endure a ride in an elevator with Herman Cain who is seeking the Republican nomination for president. According to Butz, Ms. Kardashian said, "it was the most terrible 5 minutes of my life. The things that man said were disgusting." We asked to speak to Ms. Kardashian ourselves to clarify her charges, but Butz said she was so distraught she had been placed in the care of a physician who would not let her speak to the media. The Post suggested that based on Ms. Kardashian's history, the physician's regimen would be impossible for her to keep. At that point, Mr. Butz asked us to leave.  

Later in the day, the Post caught up with Mr. Cain at a restaurant in Manhattan. The Cainanator as he's called by some of his supporters was chowing down on a mess of turnip greens and cornbread. He laughed when we gave him Ms. Kardashian's quote. "What upset her is quite simple, really. I was minding my business, all alone in the elevator, contemplating the elegance of my 9-9-9 plan when that woman came on board. Although there was no need for it, she turned sideways and her butt brushed against me. It was most inappropriate and I told her so. She put her hand on my chest and told me she was attracted to political power. I told her to bug off, that I didn't have time for groupies. She said, "Don't you know who I am?" I told her I didn't know and didn't care. She started whimpering then, and, as we had reached my floor, I left her there on the elevator. As I exited, she shouted after me, saying I was a racist tea bagger. She was obviously very angry that I rejected her advances."

Later that day, the Post asked Cain if he would sue Kardashian for harassment. Cain laughed and said there'd be no sense in it because it would be just another case of "he said, she said." 

We asked about the elevator security camera tape, wouldn't that show what really happened? 

Cain said, "my finance director suggested that. He's always looking for creative ways to add to our campaign chest and we could make good use of some of those millions Ms. Kardashian got from !E. But when we checked into it, we found the hotel security system was run by a company owned by Michael S'Moore, the famous Hollywood crockumentarian, and their man on duty said that after checking with Mr. S'Moore, the videotapes had all been erased by accident. Seems Mr. S'Moore was eating a box of doughnuts while watching Ms. Kardashian's elevator antics and some of his sweetened drool dripped into the the cassettes, gumming up the works."

The Post tried to see Mr. S'Moore at his mansion in the Hamptons but we were told he was busy meeting with leaders of the OWS in his indoor pool; we were rudely escorted off the grounds of the palatial estate which according realtors in the area is worth 52 million dollars. The Tool who escorted us to the gate said none of S'Moore's money was earned via the capitalist system.

What system did he earn it in? we asked. "The system of the Artiste. Which is a system of the people but is not a system," said the Tool who left us then to ponder that impenetrable pearl of wisdom.

For more satire like this, check out Liberalstein: A Political Farce; now only $.99 on Kindle. Click the link to the left for more info.


  1. Nice work Dan. Good thing I didn't have a mouthful of tea when I read this!

  2. Still smiling, great blog.
    'Ol Herman better be leavin dat bootie alone!

  3. Well, there's yet another thang Mr. Cain and I have in common: I wouldn't know Ms. Kardashian if she bit me on the leg. Or elsewhere, for that matter.

  4. Love your satire, Dan. Keep them coming!