What if we followed the liberal notion of "fairness" to its logical conclusion. What I'm talking about is football. The super bowl. Let the big game begin....
Blitz: Hey, this is T. D. Blitz here in the booth in Indianapolis along with top color guy and ex player Jerry "Tank" Crusher and our chief in house analyst, the well known Chris Herman. We're here to cover the coin toss and the other preliminaries to today's game. First let me talk to you Crusher. All week long the hype machine has been building up today's game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants.
Crusher: Yup, now it's time for these guys to put up or shut up.
Blitz: And Chris, in an unprecedented move, President Barack Obama and several other key liberals will be serving as referees. What's up with this?
Herman: I think it's a wonderful addition to the game and to its heritage. It will definitely be a boost to Obama in this reelection year. As a matter of fact I could sense his momentum building this week and I think Obama could...go...all...the...way.
Blitz: Looks like the officials are calling the captains out now. I see Obama waiting there in his neatly pressed stripes as head referee. I also see umpire Nancy Pelosi in a black and white tutu.
Crusher: Pardon me while I barf!
Blitz: And there's back judge Michael Moore. He might have a little time keeping up with some of these highly conditioned athletes.
Crusher: Ha. They'll run over his ass!
Blitz: Captain Brady is already at the center of the field and there comes Giant captain Eli Manning. The crowd is really into this already. Let's turn on Referee Obama's live mike and listen in as the coin is tossed.
Obama: Okay, guys, let me just say that I admire both of you. Maybe after the game you can drop by the White House for a beer.
Brady: Sure. Mister President.
Manning: Hey, what kinda beer you got?
Obama: How bout some Tsingtao?
Brady: What the hell is that?
Moore: It's a chic Chinese Lager, you oaf. All the really smart and good things are made in China. The U.S. is a second rate has been power.
Manning: Chinese Beer? I don't think so.
Obama: Okay, okay, everybody ready to go?
Brady: We're ready to kick some butt. Flip that coin.
Obama: Yes, but there are some changes I have to inform you of before we start. Nancy, give me the coin.
Pelosi (bowing): Yes, your Refereeness. (She hands Obama the coin.)
Obama (holding up coin): First of all, you will see that the coin has heads on both sides. That's the fair way to do a coin toss. You both will win.
Brady and Manning: What the Hell?
Moore: Stay cool dudes. It's quite egalitarian, don't you think? Obama knows best. You'll both thank him for it later.
Pelosi: Fairness in all things is essential. It's the liberal way.
Obama (flips coin): Since both of you know the coin has heads on both sides, I assume both of you will call heads. So (showing coin), it's heads. You both win. Isn't this fantastic?
Brady: This is crazy. How do we start the game?
Manning: How do we even play the game?
Obama: You play in a fair and equitable manner.
Obama: Besides the coin toss, we have made some other necessary adjustments to make the game fair. Each team has certain overpowering assets that need to be redistributed or offset.
Manning: This is bullshit.
Pelosi (throwing flag): That's racism! You are penalized.
Obama: Brady, you and Rob Gronowski give the Pats an almost unstoppable passing offense.
Manning: What are we then, chopped liver?
Obama: Quiet Eli, I'm coming to you in a minute. Therefore, to offset the Patriots' passing game, I'm allowing the Giants to have four extra defensive backs on the field. This will help them balance out your passing superiority. You gotta admit, this is fair.
Brady: You mean I'll have to face 15 men on defense all day long?
Obama: That's right. But the game will be truly fair. Now, Eli, I've got news for you too. You're also an excellent passer. To make things fair for New England, when you're on offense, you'll be playing with only two offensive linemen. Eight men total.
Manning: What the...? This is damn dangerous. I could be hurt, my career could be over before I get to show I'm as good as Peyton.
Moore: Who's Peyton?
Obama: Never mind. Eli, you won't have to worry about getting hurt. Because we've also changed the game process which heretofore has been far too violent for adolescents and liberals to witness.
Brady: You've changed the game process? What do you mean?
Obama: Yeah, instead of running plays against each other with all that banging and knocking and grunting, after each huddle, you'll come to the line and sit in a circle with your opponents and discuss your needs as players.
Pelosi: It's kind of like a negotiation. I'll be sitting in on each session as an arbiter/negotiator.
Moore: And I'll be filming everything for my next crockumentary, "The Super Socialist Bowl I."
Obama: Yes, and instead of having a violent confrontation every thirty seconds or so, we'll use the game to address your real needs as human beings and the needs of the communities you represent.
Manning: What the hell do you all know about my needs?
Brady: Look, we're highly skilled professionals. We're getting paid lots of money to show our athletic prowess, not to sit in a circle.
Obama: Yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you. That "lots of money" you mention is a problem we're going to take this opportunity to deal with too.
Brady: Wait a minute. What are you talking about?
Obama: I'm talking about your huge incomes. It's not fair how much money you make. All you guys are 1 percenters. Not fair. So we're confiscating 99% of what all players and coaches on each team make. This vast sum of money will be redistributed to all the behind the scenes union laborers who make this spectacle what it is.
Manning: But the fans came here to see a game, a contest between the two best NFL teams in 2011.
Moore: Football fans are jerks. We're going to Occupy the Super Bowl like our comrades did to Wall Street. We're shutting down this embarrassing display of capitalistic excess.
Pelosi: But before we do, we're going up in the stands and taking 75% of all the fans' money as well. If they've bought tickets to this game they obviously are making more money than they need to.
Moore: They'll be distracted anyway when our nude cheerleaders show up. We've got Roseann Barr and Rosie O'Donnell, coming out now in their birthday suits.
Blitz: Would you look at that. Madonna just tackled Roseann Barr. Guess she didn't want anybody upstaging her half time show.
Herman: Hey. That's Lady Gaga jumping on Madonna. They're wrestling around out there on the 30 yard line. Barr just freed herself from Madonna's grasp; Barr's back up and she and O'Donnell are racing to the benches. Now both teams are running away from them. I don't get it.
Crusher: Hey, T.D. It looks to me like things are getting out of hand down there.
Herman: I thought the President had some great ideas myself. I'm sure the Media will put a positive spin on this.
Crusher: There's no way this can be reported to help Obama. Even MSNBC will be challenged. It's chaos. Look, Manning and Brady are escorting Obama and Pelosi to the sidelines. People are throwing hot dogs and beer cups at them.
Herman: Where's my good friend Michael Moore?
Crusher: He's grabbing as many of the hot dogs as he can and stuffing them into his mouth. Ooops. There's Giants' 278 pound DE Jason Pierre-Paul and Pats' 325 pound Tackle Vince Wilfork. They've picked up the screaming Moore and are carrying him to the exit.
Blitz: The Police are clearing the field. Looks like we may play some football after all. Crusher, who do you think will win?
Crusher: We're not sure yet who the Republicans will nominate at their convention, but whoever he or she is, that candidate wins in a blowout.