We don't rake the muck, we make it!
1. OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO PUTIN. President Obama today apologized to President elect Vladimir Putin for US actions in the Reagan years which led to the eventual dissolution of the Soviet Union. He also said that he supported Putin's decision to detain the female punk rock band, Pussy Riot. "Although they look pretty hot, these types of political women can cause all sorts of problems in governing a nation," said Obama. "My own administration, for example, is working through cable television powerhouse HBO to do a lot more than detain Sarah Palin. This gal's much worse than Putin's girls. With HBO's creative help, we're going to change Palin's game. We might even get that smart Bill Maher to help out since he's really good at using language. We are going to destroy that beyotch. A woman who takes an active conservative political role will not be tolerated in the US."
2. PAT ROBERTSON IS ILLEGAL ALIEN. The Reverend Pat Robertson today asked that all illegal aliens be given amnesty. Simultaneously the well known religious broadcaster announced that he himself is an illegal alien and that he supports legalization of everything, including marijuana. Robertson said that his illegal status has bothered him ever since he entered the country illegally sixty years ago from the state of California, which is not really part of the 48 contiguous United States (unless you use the controversial Obama Heinz 57 Count, in which case California, Puerto Rico, Baja, Vancouver, Saltillo, the Dominican Republic, Aruba, St. Thomas, St. Croix, and St. Louis are all included ).
3. CHU BUYS ANN ROMNEY'S CADILLAC. Obama Energy Secretary Stephen Chu announced today that he has purchased one of Ann Romney's Cadillacs. Under fire for not even owning a vehicle, Chu made the purchase last night. Chu admitted that he knew nothing about cars and/or the purchasing process but said he felt this would be a win-win situation for both sides. He paid $1.6 million for the used 2009 Cadillac STS sedan. The transaction was handled by Mrs. Romney's husband Mitt, who was reportedly quite pleased with the deal.