Car Radios, Moonlight, Powerglide Love

Remember those nights when you were young and cruisin' around with your buds, telling bad jokes, talking about girls, or listening to the car radio? If you were young in the '50s you might have cruised around in a car like this '55 Pontiac.

If you were lucky, it was your Dad's car and you were behind the wheel. If you weren't so lucky you would be stuck in the back seat. Not cool. Better to be upfront, riding shotgun. One of the duties of the shotgun guy was to keep the radio on a good station with a good disc jockey.

You had to be quick and adept with your fingers. Fast with the chrome push buttons. And smooth with a paper napkin before pushing the button or turning the knob to make sure you removed all the french fry grease from your fingers. You wouldn't want your finger to slip and punch up some stodgy old big band instead of WMAK's Wayne the Brain, would you?

The radio probably seemed like such a natural part of the car that you never thought about it at all unless it was busted.

But radios weren't always in cars. Cars had been on American roads for almost 30 years before anyone thought, hey, it might be a good idea to put a radio in that Ford. The guys and gals might like it.

I guess we can thank the music gods that somebody did think of putting a radio in a car. Or maybe it was Cupid who did the inspiring. From Jim's Antique Radio Museum site:

One evening in 1929 two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the Mississippi River town of Quincy, Illinois, to watch the sunset.  It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.


That's how it all started. A car. A couple of guys. A couple of gals. A beautiful sunset followed by a moonlit night. And suddenly they realized that what was missing was MUSIC.

If you're interested in cars, music, or industrial history, check out the link to Jim's Antique Radio Museum site and read the rest of the story. It's a quick, easy, and fun read.

What's also interesting is what happened to the two guys (Lear and Wavering) who came up with the idea in the first place. They definitely were not through making technological contributions.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Here's a song Joyce and I heard in Flash's old 1950 Chevy heading back into Pulaski on a moonlit autumn night in 1959. Flash's Chevy was a slushbox powerglide but it had a dang good radio in it. It also had mudflaps and a big old plastic bugknocker attached to the hood ornament.

Unfortunately, there was also a short in the light wiring because on that night the headlights wouldn't turn on. Car ran fine. Radio played. Yet no lights. Like the young rebels we were, Joyce and I drove back into town anyway. The highway was clear as day in that big harvest moon and we didn't meet a single cop, even when we got to the square.

But I didn't complain about the car at all. Not one iota. It was great to just have some wheels. Old Flash was a true buddy who let me borrow his pride and joy for a date with Joyce. I won't ever be able to repay him for that. There ain't enough money in circulation.

We didn't have headlights, but we had moonlight. And Santo and Johnny on the radio with that great sliding steel. A perfect night. Thanks to Lear and Wavering...

Hat tip to Bob Bell for sending me the great Jim's Antique Radio Museum link.

Whitney, Dolly, and Porter

My title today might suggest a heretofore unreported menage a trois, but what I'm really referring to is the song "I Will Always Love You," which ties these three unlikely people together.

This dramatic and popular song has been in the news quite a bit lately because it was arguably Whitney Houston's greatest hit.

Though the lyrics indicate that the breakup referred to is a romantic one, the song, written by Dolly Parton back in 1973, grew out of her business split with country singer Porter Wagoner who had given Dolly her start. When she was promoting her movie, "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas," Dolly told the LA Times that during the seven years she was part of his show, Porter was pretty much a male chauvinist pig, not that he was harassing her, but that he was strong willed and the absolute boss of the show and wouldn't tolerate any intervention on her part.

Later after they had reconciled, Porter said this: 

"Dolly had reached the point where she was ready to go out on her own," he says.  "That was something we both had worked toward.  But then, the lawyers got involved — and whenever that happens, they stir things up....


"We had it in writing that once she left, it was time for me to be paid for some of the things I'd done for her," he says. 
      Five years after Dolly left, Porter sued her.  He claimed payments had not been made.  Dolly later said she thought the payments had been made.  The two settled out of court the following year.  Time helped heal the wounds, and today they speak kindly about each other."

An album was released in 1980 which was part of their settlement. "Porter and Dolly" was the title and it included mostly unreleased tracks that the two performers had cut during the time she worked with Porter. That's the cover below. "I Will Always Love You" is not on this album.

"I Will Always Love You" was a #1 song when Dolly first released it in  1974 and also went to #1 when she put it on her "Best Little Whorehouse" album in 1982.

Whitney Houston's cover came out in 1994 and spent 14 weeks at #1 and garnered her the record of the year and best female pop vocal performance award.

If you're interested in learning several other things about this song that you might not know, check out this site. To whet your appetite, Saddam Hussein is involved in one of them.

Here's Dolly's version.

"Fresh" Milk Can Make You Sick

In perusing the inner tubes a couple of days ago, I came across an article with this title: "Feds shut down Amish farm for selling fresh milk." Aha, I thought, another example of the nanny state grown excessive, why don't they just leave the poor Amish farmer alone.

 I started to move on past the headline, but some old memory from my past gave me pause. I read the article and essentially the headline is correct, but in the interest of complete accuracy, I would add two words--raw, unpasteurized.

What the Amish farmer is selling and what his upset customers want for their children is raw, unpasteurized milk.

That changed everything in my mind, and in this case, I think the FDA is doing what needs to be done.

In 1945, when I was ready to begin first grade, we lived in the little Middle Tennessee town of Watertown, pop. approximatel 800. Sometime in the summer before I was to begin school in the fall, I became ill. My head hurt, I sweated a lot, I ached all over, I had no appetite, and my fever fluctuated wildly, sometimes going up to 103-104F.

After a series of tests, x-rays (I seem to remember that they thought I might have TB), etc. in the nearby metropolis of Lebanon, I was diagnosed with Undulant Fever or Brucellosis which is caused by "ingestion of unsterilized milk" among other things. My aunt--we were living with her until Dad got out of the service--and my Mom frequently bought "fresh" (raw) milk from one of the neighbors up the street who had a few cows.

The disease can become chronic and did so in my case because it took awhile to diagnose. Undulant fever has also had some small but not insignificant effects on my health over the years which I'll not bore you with here.

I was treated with multiple injections of a mycin drug and bed rest. Bed rest for a six year old all through the rest of that summer and for the first 6 weeks of my first year of school was not a good thing. I did listen to a lot of radio during that time, even a WSM farm show called Noontime Neighbors which included daily agricultural reports on the prices of farm products, livestock, etc.

Right. I was bored. Even though I was a preschooler, I did read a lot, whatever my Mom could scrounge up for me. Comics mainly. But I remember that time vividly. The continuous aches and pains. The sweats. The fear in the beginning because we didn't know what it was. The cold hard XRay machine and medical table which looked like some hideous invention out of Flash Gordon. The daily injections. Watching the other kids walk up the street as they came home from school. Day after day. The boredom.

One of the farmer's angry customers said, "I can't believe in 2010 the federal government is raiding Amish farmers at gunpoint all over a basic human right to eat natural food." I guess most everything's a right in somebody's mind these days. But I'm unsure about the customer's use of the plural (farmers) and about the FDA coming in to the barn with guns drawn. I suppose when you're going up against Uncle Sam you also have the basic human right to exaggerate.

I think our food supply today is generally safe and that's due in no small part to the work of the FDA. I'm for small government. But there are some things a government should do. Ensuring the safety of the food supply is one of them.

Blues Monday

Lightnin' Hopkins has got a passel of troubles. They are worrying his mind. He's so messed up one minute he says it'll be all right because "the sun's gonna shine in my back door one day" and then a minute later he says he might lay his head on a railroad track. He doesn't say what's troubling him, but in today's context, he's probably out of work and maxed out on his credit cards. Or it could be a woman friend. Yeah, probably a woman. Only a woman could leave him so confused and conflicted about the future.

Old Sam Chatmon's got the blues too. His girl's left him but he says it don't matter. He's sittin' on top of the world. I believe the psych majors call that denial, but as a coping strategy, it's definitely better than the railroad track.

Little Wooden Church

I like the mix of New Orleans Jazz and gospel. It's Sunday, so what the heck, put your hands together and move them feet.

A Beer and a Weenie

Buck had a post recently that featured John Prine and Bonnie Raitt and that reminded me of today's song. I found it on the Tube of You and put it in my hopper as a post to write later.

Guess what. It's now later.

This time Prine is paired with Iris Demint. In  my opinion, it's a perfect pairing for a great country song--"We're Not the Jet Set."

This song was written by Bobby Braddock, a great songwriter (13 #1 hits) who's now a producer in Nashville. One of those 13 songs is "He Stopped Loving Her Today," considered by many to be the all time greatest country song. (He's also the guy who discovered Blake Shelton back a few years ago.)

That's his picture over there to your left. Looks like he just said, "Hey you readin' this crappy blog. I'm talkin' to you. You got a problem?"

But back to "We're Not the Jet Set," which was not one of Braddock's chart toppers. It was first recorded by George Jones and Tammy Wynette back in 1973 and reached the #15 spot on the US Country charts.

Based on the song's invention, originality, and wit, I think it should have been a #1. The lines aren't forced like many songs, and the rhymes here are pleasantly unexpected--kinda like the sudden burst of liquid sweetness when you popped a piece of that old Freshen Up Gum in your mouth and chewed down on it. One good example is: "Our steak and martini is a beer and a weenie." Martini-weenie. Not every songwriter could have banged those two together like that.

Joyce and I have been to Paris...Tennessee. And Rome...Georgia.

We've been to Manchester...Tennessee.

And also to Manchester, England. In 1987. (Damn, was that 25 years ago?)

So, we've been around the block. But we're not the jet set. Definitely. We like other places and people in other places. But we like home better. And the people and friends here that we feel comfortable with.

I may be wrong about this, but I think "We're Not the Jet Set" cuts both ways. The speakers (singers) are making a little fun of themselves as they make their comparisons, but they imply a strong preference for the unsophisticated, country, and on a larger scale American values. They're not ignorant. They obviously know about these other places, things, and people, but they like their own things better. Enjoy.

Two from Doyle

Doyle Dykes is an amazing guitarist. Even though he's been playing for many years, I first heard him only a few days ago on the Bill Cody morning show on WSM 650 AM.  (Yeah, I still listen to AM, especially in my truck. You probably think I have a rotary phone, too. Nope. Mine has fancy push buttons. Besides, the AM station I tune in is not just any AM station, it's WSM, the famous Air Castle of the South, home of the oldest running radio show in the US. I don't have to tell you what show that is, do I?)

Anyway, like I said, Mr. Dykes is exceptional. I believe the young man playing with him in the second video is his son, who's pretty dang good himself. Enjoy.

Wonder if JFK listened to Muddy Waters' Blues Song, "She's Only Nineteen Years Old"

By now you've probably seen the interview on NBC or read the news about JFK's affair with a 19 year old intern named Mimi Alford. Ms. Alford, who has written a book about the 18 month affair, says that Kennedy never kissed her, but was quite playful, especially when they shared baths together.

Ms. Alford, who seems very credible, also describes a darker side of Kennedy. On one occasion he made her sniff a drug that would supposedly enhance sex even though she refused it. And another time he coerced her to have oral sex with his pal Dave Powers.

Of course NBC put on three people who'd written books about JFK at the end of the interview to give the liberal icon his props. All three were liberal partisans and said this would not make a dent in JFK's legacy. A prof. interviewed during the program, however, said the event which involved JFK's coercing her to have oral sex with Powers went beyond just having a mistress and made Kennedy, in his mind, a much diminished figure.

One wag on the Mail Online comment thread said that instead of Camelot, they should call the JFK White House "Came-a-lot."

All joking aside, I've always liked JFK as a politician. He was president when I was young and just beginning to make my way in the world. He had a sense of humor and "vigor" and didn't seem like all the other older guys who'd been president before him. He was a liberal in the older, more traditional sense. He was a WWII vet, patriotic, a little more cautious (read conservative) about taking huge socially altering steps that his progressives descendants later, oblivious to the consequences, would have no hesitation to take. I think his assassination forms a dividing line down the history of the U.S. Everything seemed to change after that. Liberalism itself. Politics. The music, the movies, the whole damn culture. People say America's in decline today because we've stopped believing in ourselves. If that's true (and I'm not sure I agree that it is), our self doubt began 49 years ago right after JFK's assassination.

As I watched interview and later read a little more about Ms. Alford's expose, I had a couple of thoughts. First, Newt Gingrich. Am I wrong  or do the details of JFK's affair make Newt's escapades seem like small potatoes? Poor guy can't catch a break. He's finishing second in everything lately. Meanwhile, Democrats seem to definitely like them young. Monica was only 22 when the approximately 50 year old Clinton taught her how to smoke a stogie. Ms. Alford says she was a virgin until Kennedy took her up to his wife's bedroom in the White House.

Then I said to myself, there's probably a good country song out there that can amplify all of this, kind of help put it in perspective. But before I could think of a country tune, I thought of one of my all time favorite blues songs, Muddy Waters' "She's Only Nineteen Years Old."

The speaker in Muddy's song says he's got a good thing going but he does seem a bit worried about "keepin' her satisfied." And man, does Muddy work that slide during the break. He's happy with his sweet young thing, but those wailin' and cryin' strings tell you what kind of worries are messing with his mind.

Since Muddy first recorded this in 1958, I wonder if JFK possibly listened to this sometime during his affair. He was the most powerful man in the world at the time. Even though he was about 25 years older than Ms. Alford at the time, I doubt he had the same worries as the speaker in Muddy's song.

Effete Liberal Snobs Who Want to Help the Poor but Find Their Odor Quite Bothersome

I've studied or worked on seven different college campuses during my career, and I remember times when I've encountered liberal elitists, those academics who are perpetually looking down their noses at the plebian masses, and making snide condescending remarks about the common folk who have to work for a living, how little they know about the world, history, politics, etc. I was a liberal myself in those days, but when I saw and heard that kind of condescending horseshit it always infuriated me.

Sorry, but that kind of thing still makes me mad because I feel like they are talking about me, my family. And about millions of other people who don't live in the liberal elitist bubble.

That's the thing about liberals. They profess to be on the side of the "working classes" but they have trouble hiding their contempt for them. Some of them don't even try to hide it.

I heard some of that liberal double think last night when I viewed a video of the Bill Moyers show in which he talked about how Newt Gingrich was trashing and running down that really great American, Saul Alinsky.

Because Moyers once worked for that intellectual giant Lyndon Johnson, and because he once talked to Joseph Campbell, he must think he's some kind of intellectual paragon and can lecture all of us illiterates on Saul Alinsky.

I've embedded the video below. If you view it, listen to Moyers as he sets up his defense of Alinsky at the beginning and listen to how he describes the Republican audiences who he says are buying into this.

Moyers is a pseudo intellectual liberal shill and he makes no attempt to hide his contempt for us. I suppose he's speaking to other liberal elitists who view Public TV; he's surely not trying to actually persuade people who don't disagree with him. (One of the first things you learn about argument/persuasion is that you have to respect your opponent's views enough to keep him listening to you; otherwise you're just ranting, which isn't intellectual at all.)

Moyers has utter disdain for these common uneducated Republicans and implies we are driven by prejudice in that we will react negatively just to Alinsky's name.

Moyers says we "don't know" who Alinsky is or what "socialism" is. And then, just in case we missed his point, he calls us "ignorant."


Bill Moyers Essay: Newt's Obesession with Saul Alinsky from BillMoyers.com on Vimeo.

Note to Bill Moyers:

I may not be a super smart liberal guy like you, but I do know what socialism is. The word is very broad and has multiple meanings but in general is used to refer to an anti-capitalist approach to economic issues and includes redistributive taxation and some form of social ownership of (as opposed to private ownership of) property. It's basically the system the Europeans have been using for several decades and which is now collapsing because of its inherent flaws.

Also, I have heard of Saul Alinsky. I've even read some of his book Rules for Radicals. I know you're a busy public television "journalist" so, in case you haven't read them, I've found a nice summary of them in the Union News.

You say he's not a communist, not a socialist, but a good American. Here's what he says in his own words:

Any revolutionary change must be preceded by a passive, affirmative, non-challenging attitude toward change among the mass of our people. They must feel so frustrated, so defeated, so lost, so futureless in the prevailing system that they are willing to let go of the past and change the future. This acceptance is the reformation essential to any revolution. To bring on this reformation requires that the organizer work inside the system, among not only the middle class but the 40 per cent of American families – more than seventy million people – whose income range from $5,000 to $10,000 a year [in 1971]. They cannot be dismissed by labeling them blue collar or hard hat. They will not continue to be relatively passive and slightly challenging. If we fail to communicate with them, if we don't encourage them to form alliances with us, they will move to the right. Maybe they will anyway, but let's not let it happen by default.^[3]

Notice that at the end, he says "if we fail to communicate with them...they will move to the right." This statement indicates that he is speaking from a far left, "revolutionary" position, not from the center (where most Americans are) or definitely not from anywhere on the right side of the political spectrum.

Apparently Mr. Moyers, by being dismissive of and condescending to the that "40 percent" of middle class American families and the "blue collar or hard hat" you are disregarding your hero Alinsky's advice.

But it's a little late anyway. Most of us down here in the flyover states have already moved to the right. Primarily because we have pretty good BS detectors and we can tell when someone is only pretending to be our friend to advance his own agenda.

By the way, I know Alinsky also said this: "You do what you can with what you have and clothe it in moral garments."

In other words, if being identified as a "socialist" or "communist" is detrimental to your movement, then say you are not either.

Like the old politician says, "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is a duck."

With feigned Sincerity,

Dapper Dan
................

Readers: Here's a fantastic short (5 min.) video of Alinsky sitting down with conservative icon William Buckley on Buckley's The Firing Line back in the day. I wish I could find the rest of it, but what we have is fun to watch.

Mansion on the Hill

What is judged by the world these days to be a mansion is relative to income and location. The American dwellings of some at the low end of the spectrum with their flat screen TVs, microwaves, refrigerators, central heat and air, laptops, etc. would be viewed as "mansions" by millions of people in the world.

But in the U. S. at least, we're pretty sure we know what a mansion is. The "mansion on a hill" theme has run through culture for many generations. In songs, TV shows, and movies, we've seen them setting high above the town on the hill, or behind a fence far off the main road; they're always isolated in someway from the rest of us and our seemingly mundane lives.

To satisfy our curiosity, we buy books, or magazines, or view TV shows that take us inside the mansions to sneak an intimate view of their opulent furnishings and get a glimpse of what the lives of the people who live there are like.

In the film appreciation class that I regularly taught, we viewed Orson Welles' famous "Citizen Kane." The mansion that Kane built is called Xanadu (modeled after Hearst's San Simeon). Welles deftly shapes our perception to make us see that Xanadu is not a happy place. One of the themes of the movie (the movie that's been ranked #1 film of all time for decades by critics around the world) is that the American Dream--that anyone here has a chance of earning great material success and that that success will make you happier--is really a nightmare, a lie.

Welles' Xanadu from "Citizen Kane"

The thousands who still come to America each year to pursue that dream probably demonstrate both the power that the American dream has and how powerless film critics are.

Many leftist films attack capitalism by focusing on the downtrodden in society, the false implication being that our economic system is the cause of these ills. "Kane" instead, focuses on the wealthy, the topmost tier of the class hierarchy supposedly created by our "unfair" system.

In my opinion, capitalism isn't built on a false assumption, it's built on human nature. It is a mirror of what we all are. People are naturally self centered. They want things for themselves. Capitalism uses this desire as its prime motivating factor.

After Kane matures, he uses his tremendous wealth to buy media power and a beautiful wife. He gets both but at a terrific personal and psychological cost. The brilliantly conceived narrative told in several flashbacks from different points of view is structured to show that ultimately Kane's wealth can not buy him happiness/love, which is what the famous image of the burning sled, "Rosebud," at the end of the film is all about. It's interesting that the Beatles delivered the same message in four words: "Money Can't Buy Me Love."

In spite of all this, I still like "Citizen Kane" as a movie. Orson Welles was at the peak of his creative powers and it shows. The film is full of cinematic innovations. It's a great and very influential film. Too bad about the leftist subtext. Before we leave "Kane," and to bring us back to the subject of mansions, let me tell you a slightly altered version of an old joke.

Two guys are looking up at a mansion high on a hill. One's a conservative and the other's a liberal. The conservative guy says, "Mr. Van Snoot has a fine and beautiful home and one day I'm going to get a big house like that myself."  The liberal guy says, "One day I'm going to get that bastard."

Mansions have been a theme in country music as well. Usually there's a lady who chose to marry a wealthy guy instead of the narrator in the song who ain't so wealthy by a long shot. He's imagining how sad and lonely she feels in her "Mansion on the Hill," so this song and probably a hundred others like it in country music picks up that same theme: money can't buy love/happiness. 

Judging by his statements, Bruce Springsteen may accurately be labeled a liberal/leftist. What about his famous and very beautiful "Mansion on a Hill" song? Is it just a nostalgic memory from childhood, or does it carry a leftist subtext? What about those iron gates that "completely surround" the place? Considering the dirge like music, are we supposed to admire or condemn owner of the mansion, the man who also owns the mill and makes his money off the backs of the common workers like the narrator's father?

Super Bowl: the Liberal Nude Lady Gaga-Madonna Fight Edition

What if we followed the liberal notion of "fairness" to its logical conclusion. What I'm talking about is football. The super bowl. Let the big game begin....

Blitz: Hey, this is T. D. Blitz here in the booth in Indianapolis along with top color guy and ex player Jerry "Tank" Crusher and our chief in house analyst, the well known Chris Herman. We're here to cover the coin toss and the other preliminaries to today's game. First let me talk to you Crusher. All week long the hype machine has been building up today's game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants.

Crusher: Yup, now it's time for these guys to put up or shut up.

Blitz: And Chris, in an unprecedented move, President Barack Obama and several other key liberals will be serving as referees. What's up with this?

Herman: I think it's a wonderful addition to the game and to its heritage. It will definitely be a boost to Obama in this reelection year. As a matter of fact I could sense his momentum building this week and I think Obama could...go...all...the...way.

Blitz: Looks like the officials are calling the captains out now. I see Obama waiting there in his neatly pressed stripes as head referee. I also see umpire Nancy Pelosi in a black and white tutu.

Crusher: Pardon me while I barf!

Blitz: And there's back judge Michael Moore. He might have a little time keeping up with some of these highly conditioned athletes.

Crusher: Ha. They'll run over his ass!

Blitz: Captain Brady is already at the center of the field and there comes Giant captain Eli Manning. The crowd is really into this already. Let's turn on Referee Obama's live mike and listen in as the coin is tossed.

Obama: Okay, guys, let me just say that I admire both of you. Maybe after the game you can drop by the White House for a beer.

Brady: Sure. Mister President.

Manning: Hey, what kinda beer you got?

Obama: How bout some Tsingtao?

Brady: What the hell is that?

Moore: It's a chic Chinese Lager, you oaf. All the really smart and good things are made in China. The U.S. is a second rate has been power.

Manning: Chinese Beer? I don't think so.

Obama: Okay, okay, everybody ready to go?

Brady: We're ready to kick some butt. Flip that coin.

Obama: Yes, but there are some changes I have to inform you of before we start. Nancy, give me the coin.

Pelosi (bowing): Yes, your Refereeness. (She hands Obama the coin.)

Obama (holding up coin): First of all, you will see that the coin has heads on both sides. That's the fair way to do a coin toss. You both will win.

Brady and Manning: What the Hell?

Moore: Stay cool dudes. It's quite egalitarian, don't you think? Obama knows best. You'll both thank him for it later.

Pelosi: Fairness in all things is essential. It's the liberal way.


Obama (flips coin): Since both of you know the coin has heads on both sides, I assume both of you will call heads. So (showing coin), it's heads. You both win. Isn't this fantastic?

Brady: This is crazy. How do we start the game?

Manning: How do we even play the game?

Obama: You play in a fair and equitable manner.

Manning: What?

Obama: Besides the coin toss, we have made some other necessary adjustments to make the game fair. Each team has certain overpowering assets that need to be redistributed or offset.

Manning: This is bullshit.

Pelosi (throwing flag): That's racism! You are penalized.

Obama: Brady, you and Rob Gronowski give the Pats an almost unstoppable passing offense.

Manning: What are we then, chopped liver?

Obama: Quiet Eli, I'm coming to you in a minute. Therefore, to offset the Patriots' passing game, I'm allowing the Giants to have four extra defensive backs on the field. This will help them balance out your passing superiority. You gotta admit, this is fair.

Brady: You mean I'll have to face 15 men on defense all day long?

Obama: That's right. But the game will be truly fair. Now, Eli, I've got news for you too. You're also an excellent passer. To make things fair for New England, when you're on offense, you'll be playing with only two offensive linemen. Eight men total.

Manning: What the...? This is damn dangerous. I could be hurt, my career could be over before I get to show I'm as good as Peyton.

Moore: Who's Peyton?


Obama: Never mind. Eli, you won't have to worry about getting hurt. Because we've also changed the game process which heretofore has been far too violent for adolescents and liberals to witness.

Brady: You've changed the game process? What do you mean?

Obama: Yeah, instead of running plays against each other with all that banging and knocking and grunting, after each huddle, you'll come to the line and sit in a circle with your opponents and discuss your needs as players.

Pelosi: It's kind of like a negotiation. I'll be sitting in on each session as an arbiter/negotiator.

Moore: And I'll be filming everything for my next crockumentary, "The Super Socialist Bowl I."


Obama: Yes, and instead of having a violent confrontation every thirty seconds or so, we'll use the game to address your real needs as human beings and the needs of the communities you represent.

Manning: What the hell do you all know about my needs?

Brady: Look, we're highly skilled professionals. We're getting paid lots of money to show our athletic prowess, not to sit in a circle.

Obama: Yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you. That "lots of money" you mention is a problem we're going to take this opportunity to deal with too.

Brady: Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Obama: I'm talking about your huge incomes. It's not fair how much money you make. All you guys are 1 percenters. Not fair. So we're confiscating 99% of what all players and coaches on each team make. This vast sum of money will be redistributed to all the behind the scenes union laborers who make this spectacle what it is.

Manning: But the fans came here to see a game, a contest between the two best NFL teams in 2011.


Moore: Football fans are jerks. We're going to Occupy the Super Bowl like our comrades did to Wall Street. We're shutting down this embarrassing display of capitalistic excess.


Pelosi: But before we do, we're going up in the stands and taking 75% of all the fans' money as well. If they've bought tickets to this game they obviously are making more money than they need to.

Moore: They'll be distracted anyway when our nude cheerleaders show up. We've got Roseann Barr and Rosie O'Donnell, coming out now in their birthday suits.

Blitz: Would you look at that. Madonna just tackled Roseann Barr. Guess she didn't want anybody upstaging her half time show.

Herman: Hey. That's Lady Gaga jumping on Madonna. They're wrestling around out there on the 30 yard line. Barr just freed herself from Madonna's grasp; Barr's back up and she and O'Donnell are racing to the benches. Now both teams are running away from them. I don't get it.

Crusher: Hey, T.D. It looks to me like things are getting out of hand down there.

Herman: I thought the President had some great ideas myself. I'm sure the Media will put a positive spin on this.


Crusher: There's no way this can be reported to help Obama. Even MSNBC will be challenged. It's chaos. Look, Manning and Brady are escorting Obama and Pelosi to the sidelines. People are throwing hot dogs and beer cups at them.

Herman: Where's my good friend Michael Moore?

Crusher: He's grabbing as many of the hot dogs as he can and stuffing them into his mouth. Ooops. There's Giants' 278 pound DE Jason Pierre-Paul and Pats' 325 pound Tackle Vince Wilfork. They've picked up the screaming Moore and are carrying him to the exit.

Blitz: The Police are clearing the field. Looks like we may play some football after all. Crusher, who do you think will win?

Crusher: We're not sure yet who the Republicans will nominate at their convention, but whoever he or she is, that candidate wins in a blowout.

Till I Gain Control Again

I've liked this song quite a while but not as long as it's been around. "Till I Gain Control Again" was written by Rodney Crowell and was first recorded by Emmylou Harris in the '70s. Somehow I missed Emmylou's version. Crystal Gayle had a hit with it in the '80s and I did hear her do it on the radio several times. Van Morrison put it on his country album "Pay the Devil" in 2006 which is in my collection. I think I just about wore Joyce out with replays of it as we drove to TX right after I bought the CD. When Morrison sings "Till I Gain Control Again" he really hangs it out there; it's an emotionally raw and moving performance of an amazing song. It also features a rather slight but strange change in the lyrics which IMHO doesn't make a lot of sense.

If you'll look at the lyrics below, you'll see that it's the woman Crowell compares the lighthouse to, not the narrator. "Like a lighthouse you must stand alone." This makes sense because as the last lines indicate the narrator is out on the road roaming around and sailing on different seas. He can't be the fixed, stable lighthouse too. That's what he says the woman is.

I know singers change lyrics all the time. But sometimes, as in this case, it's almost laughable because the narrator is twisted into two different roles. It's like..."O man, I'm out taking all those different roads and sailin' all those different and now I'm coming back to my stable lighthouse you and, no wait, that's me there as that lighthouse. Man I must be stoned."

In a famous sophomore literature text of the '50s, '60s, and '70s, scholars Cleanth Brooks and Robert Penn Warren have an introduction to poetry essay that explains why Joyce Kilmer's popular poem "Trees" is really a disaster. What they point out is that the writer has mixed up his metaphors/similes so much that it's laughable. In "Till I Gain Control Again" Crowell the writer doesn't do that. His figures of speech are consistent. It's the singers who've messed them up.

Okay, I still like the song a lot, even when a singer makes that error with the lyrics. So, let's hear it. I'm using Raul Malo's version. IMHO it's even better than Morrison's. Malo's is similar in style to the Morrison take on the song and uses the same change in the lyrics.

Just like the sun over the mountain top 

You know i'll always come again 
You know i love to spend my morning time 
Like sunlight dancing on your skin 
I've never gone so wrong as to telling lies to you 
What you've seen is what I've been 
There is nothing I could hide from you 
You see me better than I can 
Out on the road that lies before me now 
There are some turns where I will spin 
I only hope that you can hold me now 
Till i can gain control again 

Like a lighthouse you must stand alone 
Landmark the sailor's journeys end 
No matter what sea I've have been sailing on 
I'll always roll this way again 
Out on the road that lies before me now 
There are some turns where I will spin 
I only hope that you can hold me now 
Till i can gain control again