The Cumberland Post

The Cumberland Post
My Backyard, Six Miles from the Cumberland River

Monday, March 26, 2012

A New Republican Presidential Candidate?

I've been reading a lot lately about our budget crisis. The more I read, the angrier I get. My post today is kinda like rage-therapy, it's my way of letting the dogs out.  

To contain and express my rage, I need to create a scene and a character. That kind of approach isn't for everybody but it's the way I roll. 

Okay. Imagine with me for a moment a presidential candidate who's as tough as nails. Let's say she lacks the slickness, the cool diplomatic manner, the urbanity that's come to define all politicians. Let's suppose she's a small town business woman with a sailor's mouth. Suppose at convention time the Republicans get all deadlocked like in the old days. And suppose out of nowhere we get this candidate, one the whole convention is able to agree on. And finally after 15 ballots, Mrs. Lois "Shooter" Hardin emerges as the nominee. 

That's right. She's a woman. A fifty-two year old, multi-millionaire business woman. She's not glamorous like Palin--she looks and sounds more like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and that butt ugly socialist Lewis Black. It's 1:00 a.m. when she steps to the dais, and most of America is up late, still watching on TVs, live internet feeds, on Iphones, or Ipads or Kindles, or listening on car radios. People are riveted by the political drama. They sense that something is happening, some significant change is coming. 

It's so late the children have all gone to bed. Which is a good thing. Because like I said, Mrs. Hardin cusses. A lot. (A warning: she says f**k or some derivative 34 times in a fairly short speech.) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Republican nominee and the next President of the United States, Lois "Shooter" Hardin. 

Mr. Speaker, fellow delegates, ladies and gentlemen, and all Americans still watching and listening; I apologize to you for what must seem like a f**king drunken assed bar brawl and for keeping you up on a work night.

But all of this carrying on is not really a brawl, it just looks like it. We Republicans have been hard at work picking a presidential candidate for the damned most important election in our lifetimes.

And guess what. I'm that f**king candidate! Me!

I don't have a clue in Hell as to why I got picked. But I've got my suspicions. First, I don't think the bastards have much confidence in me as a candidate. They figure everybody's been so busy tearing each other a new asshole that it's hurt the party and we can't win in November. They think we can't win and so they're planning on sacrificing my ass.

Let me tell you something. I don't plan to be a sacrifice for anybody. And as to that "we can't win" malarkey, that's a crock of bullshit as big as the humongous assed gap between what President Obama says in his speeches and what that slippery SOB actually does.

We CAN win. And we WILL win.

The second reason I suspect they picked me to run this year is because they think if we're gonna lose (which I already said, we ain't), they know I'll speak my mind and won't hold back and just might do those politically correct pantywaists in the opposition party some serious long term f**king damage.

And let me tell you something else. The bastards who run our party are shitsmileyfaced right about that. I will tell the truth as I see it, no matter the cost to the parties or to any individual. And I will not sugar coat it one f**king bit.

Now I got no notes and no teleprompter. And I wouldn't use 'em if I had 'em. Don't like long speeches at all.

So I'm gonna make this speech and every other one I make during the campaign short. Everybody's tired and unless you live in DC or are here at this f**king convention, you gotta get up and go to work tomorrow.

So here's my short spiel.

I believe I know how to fix our country, how to bring her back to the glory she once had. But to do that, we got to know what's wrong in America today. And I know what's wrong. You heard me right. I said, I know what's f**king wrong.

But, hey, there ain't nothin' so damned special about that. It don't take a Mack trucking genius to figure out what's wrong, now does it?

Every Tom, Dick, and Jane in America knows what the HELL is wrong. EVERY-f**king-body knows.

The f**king Federal Government is too damned big and it's spending too much.

Let me make sure you didn't miss that.


We got programs and departments and initiatives and bureaucrats out the ass.

To pay for all this totally unnecessary shit, we're borrowing money from China. We're so far over budget that...

Oh wait just a f**king minute. We don't even have a budget.

Our government doesn't even have a f**king budget! WTF is going on? What school did this bunch of certified assholes get their degrees from?

Harvard? Harvard is f**ked then. Stanford? They're f**ked too. You can't run a country, you can't run a state, you can't run a business, hell, you can't even run a f**king family WITHOUT A BUDGET!

That's the first damned thing that's wrong. I mean if congress actually had a f**king budget, maybe some of the blind sons of bitches could see what the problem is.

This ain't f**king brain surgery here.

We got a helluva lot more going out than we got coming in.

I'm talking to you now, Mr. Obama. I'm talking to you, Mr. Reid. I'm talking to you, Mr. Boehner. The buck, or in this case, the spending of bucks you don't have, stops with you.

And I'm also talking to the f**king Piss-Ant Media. You all are a big f**king part of the problem too since you wouldn't know a financial fact from a five dollar cappuccino. You guys are either whistling past the graveyard, or you're too f**king ignorant to be in the positions you're in.

Let me ask all of you "inside the Beltway" assholes a question. What the hell happens when a business has more going out than it's got coming in and can't pay its bills?

What's that you say? Borrow some money? Okay, I give you that. Businesses sometimes hit a rough patch and have to borrow a little. But we're not talking about a "rough patch" here; this is a f**king BLACK HOLE of debt. So, back to my original question. What happens after you already borrowed up to and about a thousand times beyond your f**king limit at the bank?

In 2011, the government got $2,303 billion in revenue from us citizens. It spent $3,598 billion. We paid $227 billion interest on our $15.574 trillion debt. Can't anybody see the f**king problem here?

I know what most of you liberal asshats in congress are thinking and the answer is, no. We don't raise f**king taxes. Taxes are already too damn high on everybody. 

You've heard about Congressman Paul Ryan's plan to balance the budget, I'm sure. The liberals think he's a heartless bastard because he wants to balance the budget by 2040. But that's almost thirty f**king years from now. Are these people f**king insane?

At least Ryan has the guts to put up a plan, but ask anybody who knows anything about finance and they'll tell you that we don't have that kind of time left.

One more time. What do we do if our business is in this horrific situation? We either go bankrupt OR we start cutting. And this ain't no false dilemma friends. It's real. And, since no American citizen wants the country to go bankrupt, we cut. But, because we owe so f**king much, to bring that outgo way down below what we got coming in, we gotta make MAJOR cuts.

We reduce the federal government staff. I realize it's symbolic and won't do a whole lot, but it's a f**king start. Next, we eliminate whole f**king departments. Commerce, Education, EPA, HUD, etc., clean out your desks. State, we must stop giving away money we borrow as foreign f**king aid to other countries. That shit is going to stop.

Next, I know it ain't gonna be popular, and you can call me a heartless bitch, but we cut down medicare and social security. We don't eliminate them, we reduce them considerably, say from 43% of our expenditures all the way down to 30%. And we try to do it in as fair a way as possible. Seniors, it's either suffer some now or get nothing at all in a few years.

We eliminate almost all "discretionary" and "other mandatory" spending which is currently about 30% of our expenditures. We f**king downsize most everything and get back to only basic federal government services--which is primarily the f**king defense of the nation. Everything else is pretty much on the chopping block. And we got to do our chopping pretty damn quick.

The federal government now is like a big assed f**king Rolls Royce limo. We don't need and can't pay for that kind of statist luxury. So, we're selling that big f**ker and getting us a damn Ford Fiesta in the base trim.

And once our income is WAY DOWN below our outgo, we use the massive excess income to pay off the damn loans and that frees up the billions we're paying every f**king year in interest. We pay that debt down over the next five years or until we're on the straight and narrow and then we can reduce taxes.

This is basically second grade math we're talking about. The numbers are f**king humongous, but it's just basic subtraction. Is that too hard for our president and f**king congress to understand?

Okay, I'm about through here.

But before I stop, let me tell you why they call me "Shooter." You morally superior numbnuts in the Media will probably dig this up anyway. Back in the day, before I got my own business and met my husband, I worked at a shirt factory as a shift worker. I worked as hard as anybody but I liked to play too. On Friday nights after work, me and the other gals on the shift would all go down to Nort's Tavern there in Centerville and have us a few shots of Tequila. I did like that stuff.

One night I did ten shooters and then got up on the table for a little dance. Some asswipe made an inappropriate comment and I jumped down off the table and decked him. Then three of his buddies kicked the living hell outta me. The bouncer threw me out and I don't remember much after that. I woke up early next morning in a ditch. I had a bloody nose, a broken tooth and a bruise on my butt that looked like Australia. Somebody had emptied my purse and I had nothing left but a f**king headache and an empty shot glass.

After that EVERYBODY started calling me "Shooter." I never lived the name down.

Truth is, I made a fool outta myself that night. But I learned from my mistake. I still like a shooter or two of Jose Cuervo, but now I know when to stop.

It's the same with this federal spending binge. We got the President and all the liberals in congress up on that table. And they've dragged all us citizens up there too, even those of us who don't wanta dance. If we object they call us racists or say we want to push seniors in wheelchairs off a cliff.

So  there we are. On the table. Everybody in this f**king administration and the f**king congressional liberals are all drunk outta their minds and dancing and spending like there's no tomorrow. And while the f**king Piss-Ant Media cheers on the revelers, the clock is ticking.

We're just five or ten minutes away from some gang of bastards taking advantage of our drunken, weakened state. They're gonna yank us off the damn table, kick the crap out of us, and take what little we got left.

We have to change and we have to change right now. And I'm talking complete, total change. I'm talking massive cuts, eliminating whole departments, entire bureaus. Cutting down to the bone. I'm talking about reducing the federal government back to the size it was in f**king 1930.

We were great once and we'll be great again. But we've got to do this and do it now. We can't pass this shit load of trouble on to our children.

Join my campaign and help me get elected and together we'll stop the madness and restore America to what she once was.

That's it. That's all I got. So, thank you, my friends, and good night.


  1. Lois for Prez...

    Good stuff, Dan.

    Wouldn't it be great to see a candidate like her sometime before we croak?

    1. Andy, I just might vote for somebody like Lois.

  2. As Shooter might say: "f**king brilliant!"

    Just out of curiosity... was it Mark Steyn's column that got you all fired up? I read that and wept, metaphorically speaking.

    1. Buck, I wrote a short draft of this before I went to TX and forgot what it was I read that prompted it. I had almost decided to not post it after I got back, but then I did read that Mark Steyn column you refer to. (I probably should have linked to it now that you mention it.) It really fired me up so I revised the original and posted it. The Steyn column "The Sun Also Sets" is one of the best pieces I've read on the issue. It presents many scary facts as well as an outsider's view of our predicament. The Australian investor he refers to can see us more clearly and honestly and what he sees is damn scary. Maybe we don't need Lois as Prez, but we need somebody who can fix this and fix it fast. My money (literally) is on Romney; he doesn't cuss but I believe (and hope) he's got the know how to do this thing.