The Cumberland Post

The Cumberland Post
My Backyard, Six Miles from the Cumberland River

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Obama Changes Black Friday

Not much politics lately for me, but I think I'm ready to jump back into the mud. I did quite a few faux news stories and satirical pieces in 2006-2007 on a blog on Blogstream. I think I'll try a few in upcoming posts. They'll always be preceded by the Super Faux News masthead. Wouldn't want to confuse anybody. Like the SFNN logo says: News so fake, you'll think it's real!

Super Faux News
and Political Satire
News so fake, you'll think it's real!
A Service of Super Faux News Network



by Senior Staff Writer William Balderdash

Washington, D. C. November 24, 2010 (SFNN). President Obama today issued a fiat making bold changes in the national sales day known as Black Friday.

This major change comes after a year long study conducted by a multi racial commission on the issue. The commission was headed by activist minister Al Sharpton; others on the commission included Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Prof. Henry Gates, and Barbara Streisand.

"After an extensive year long study by this commission, I'm changing Black Friday," said the President. "For far too long Aftican Americans have suffered from the racial bias built into the name of this holiday. That is changing. From this point on, the only people allowed on the streets or in the stores on Friday will be Aftican Americans. After this historic decree, the Friday after Thanksgiving will truly be Black Friday."

"Black Shoppers," the President continued, "will be able to purchase any and all items for 5% of the retail cost.  Other shoppers, including Hispanic, Asian, and white shoppers, will be allowed to make purchases on Saturday; store owners and corporations will be required by law adjust their prices upward to a maximum of 250% to compensate for their racial redistribution reduction on Friday. Black Shoppers should note that this decree includes Cadillac, Buick, and Chevrolet automobiles. Your government owns this company now, and your purchase of one of these fine motor cars will help build profitability."

In a side note, the President said Muslim American leaders had negotiated and secured a 10% purchase rate on Black Friday also. "Since 9/11 our Muslim brothers have endured unspeakable discrimination and bias; our agreement will help restore some modicum of justice to our current unpleasant capitalistic system that someday soon will be replaced."

"This Black Friday thing is a brilliant move," said former DNC chair Howard Dean. "It will ensure his reelection in 2012. Nothing like a good giveaway to bring out the base."

GOP leaders, however, think otherwise. Karl Rove, former Bush advisor, calls the Black Friday change "reparations in disguise." Radio conservative Rush Limbaugh wasn't so discrete: "This abomination is another crapload of socialism/communism by Commisar Hussein."

1 comment:

  1. Great satire! I hope this does not give "O" any ideas. I re-read it and still LMAO!!!!