The Cumberland Post

The Cumberland Post
My Backyard, Six Miles from the Cumberland River

Friday, October 26, 2012

Pissed Matthews

Sometimes Chris Matthews really gets me stoked. After Monday night's debate he went off on a rant about how Romney's supporters, especially those in the South, are racists plain and simple. They're out to get the President because of the color of his skin. From Hot Air,

I think they hate Obama...And we can go into that about the white working class in the South and looking at these numbers were getting the last couple of days about racial hatred in many cases...they want to get rid of this president.
I'm from the South, I'm white, and even though I worked as a "professional," my average annual earnings would put me solidly in the category of the "working class" he derides.

There's a history in the old South about insults like this leading to duels. I oppose Obama for numerous reasons that have nothing to do with his race; therefore, I consider Matthews' remarks insulting, but I'm not going to challenge him to a duel. I am, however, going to dip him into some extra hot, Southern satire barbeque sauce.


His name is now Pissed Matthews, not Chris, to protect the guilty, and he works for MSNBS (Maximum Socialist National Broadcasting Service). These are the same names I used in my satire, Ken Tool, or Obamaism.

And the scene is this. Pissed Matthews is bummed out after his recent TV appearance where he labeled supporters of Romney racists. His confused feelings of anger and remorse are choking him. He has just parked his car in his Psychiatrist's parking lot. As he gets out he's accosted by two men who demand his wallet.

Mugger 1: Gimme you wallet.

Pissed: Hey, relax, no problem. Everything's cool. I voted for Obama. (Hands over his wallet.) You're probably from a poverty stricken background and you've both got kids to...

Mugger 1: Shut up honkie, you so white you look like you dipped in flour.

Pissed: So you wanna play hardball then? Okay, let me tell you what I've done to help people like you. All my life I've been trying...

Mugger 1 (slapping him): I done tole you to shut your mouth, Mr. Doughnut.

Mugger 2: I think I see you before. You a big TV star, huh? I see you once flippin' channels.

Mugger 1: Where's all your cash? You ain't got no cash? Driving a fine Mercedes like that? Come on Mother Trucker, where you money?

Pissed: I don't carry cash, Man. But...

Mugger 2: Gimme dem keys den, you racist dougboy.

Pissed: What? I love black people. I'm not a racist! My Nannie was a black woman. You can't call me that name. I love black people. I'm a liberal journalist and I'm immune. I'm not a racist. I love black people. I've spent my life...

Mugger 2: Shut you pie hole. You white. You racist. That what I heard said on TV. All whites racist. Blacks can't be racist. Just whites. Gimme you keys to dat Mercedes.

Pissed: No Man, I can't give you my car. It's my Mercedes. I worked hard for that car.

Mugger 1: I workin' hard too, right now. I earning this car. It mine now.

Pissed: Hey man. Put me down. Look, don't do this. I can hook you up with Rachel or Tazereen. I can...

Mugger 1 grabs Pissed's arms and holds him while Mugger 2 removes the keys from Pissed's pocket. Muggers 1 and 2 lift Pissed up high and throw him into the dumpster. When Pissed crawls out they are gone and so is his car. He brushes some debris off his jacket and walks dejectedly into the building where his psychiatrist has an office.

Dr. Gallop (as Pissed enters): What's that smell?

Pissed (removing a piece of lettuce from his head): You're wasting my time and money Gallop. And I suspect you're an in the closet, Romney loving racist.

Dr. Gallop: I diagnosed your issues the first day. But you just ignore me.

Pissed: I think you watch Fox news too. Probably O'Reilly, Mannity, Greta. You're full of that conservative propaganda and it's keeping you from diagnosing my problems. I need some caffeine. You got coffee in this two bit office?

Dr. Gallop: Coffee is the last thing you need. And I don't need to be a psychiatrist to diagnose your problem. It's clear to everyone. You're projecting. You have these racist feelings and you direct them outwards to conservatives.

Pissed: Look, I don't work at no movie theater. I'm a TV News star. A freaking journalist.

Dr. Gallop (punches his intercom): Shirley, get security down here. I want Mr. Matthews removed from the office. What's that? Good. (to Pissed) She already called them; they're in the outer office.

The two muggers, now wearing security uniforms, burst into the doctor's office. They grab Pissed and escort him towards the door.

Pissed (yelling maniacally): I love black people. I'm not racist. My favorite actors are Haille Berry and Denzell Washington. I like rap music. I love all black people. Obama is a god.



  1. I can't STAND to watch MSNBC and it's arguable whether Matthews is the worst of the bunch or not... they're all cut from the same cloth (with possible exception of Scarborough, their token conservative).

    Nice send-up, Dan.

    1. You're right, Buck. They're all pretty bad except for Scarborough.